I miss her.
I miss knowing she is in my belly.
I know she is in good hands and a better place, but I still miss her.
Yesterday we set out to pick out her Magnolia tree. Magnolia trees are a symbol of beauty and elegance, grace and nobility. Basically...her. We picked the perfect spot- next to the house, near the horses, and closest to the pastures where the mama horses are.
I have been so desperately trying to give her dignity. Trying to make sense of it all. I know God was trying to prepare my heart, but I was holding on tight to what I wanted. The first few days was like someone was suffocating me and I just couldn't breathe. Now I can thankfully breathe, but now I carry around this lingering feeling of nausea everywhere I go. Maybe my body thinks that if "I just throw up" then I'll feel better...
Yet God has been near, even through it all, just as He always is. Every day I see the ways that He demonstrates His comfort. Through Hid abiding presence, sweet prayers of friends, a scripture sent, sweet smelling flowers, encouraging words, and understanding hearts when I don't really have much to say right now.
I haven't purposely cried in front of Isaac but I haven't hid it from him either. Mourning a loss is something we will all experience many times throughout our life. I want him to know at a young age the uncircumstancial joy there is in the midst of sorrow because we know Jesus. The other day we were playing in the living room and out of nowhere tears started up well up in my eyes. Intuitive as all kids are, he tried to start fake crying. I explained to him again about Isabel and that mommy was sad right now. I reassured him that mommy was going to be okay. It was good for me to allow God to heal my heart now because if I pushed all that sadness back down in my heart it would come out some way, some how and it probably would be a lot worse. He stopped "crying" and looked at me and smiled. I think as much as his little 13 month old mind could get it, he did.
Sunday, while we were out picking out her tree, she passed. In the most undignified and dishonorable way. My heart was utterly broken. I want so much more for her. At the very least, I wanted something that could be buried with a white wooden cross.
I guess that's me holding onto this life again. God has been speaking to my heart about holding the people in my life with an open hand and surrendering them to Him. We hold our material possessions loosely, so why would I hold onto the greatest gifts of all that God has so graciously loaned to me...my loved ones. They are His. I am daily choosing to relinquish them back over to who they have always belonged to.
Isabel, I surrender you to the Lord. The way you came. The way you went. Where you will always be. Just so you know, I'm couldn't be more thankful you are my daughter. I love you.
Here are some pictures of our family planting Isabel's magnolia (it is the kind that is going to have pink blooms :). Then, we prayed and worshipped out by her tree. Sweet Isabel, we can't wait to see you in heaven...