Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Here we go...

Growing up I didn't think too much about food or what I weighed.

I remember my mom was really into Atkins and we had less "junk" in our house than most people. I would go to school and be embarrassed by my lunch that was filled with whole wheat bread and carrot sticks when I looked at my friends who had "gushers" and chips a hoy. I would hunker over my lunch and tried not to display my oober healthy lunch even though looking back I'm sure no one who even noticed or cared.

Then I went to college and gained the freshman 15. I think it was due largely to Chick fil at the bottom of Mosier hall and the fact that I ate a lot of fast food and peanut butter sandwiches.

After my freshman year, I left A & M to try out for the Kilgore Rangerettes. At that time, I know I was training and tried to watch what I ate. I subsequently lost a little weight and was selected to be a part of the team there.

While you are a Rangerette, you have to sign a weight contract. The contract has your name, your current weight and the amount of weight you are allowed to fluctuate either way. Then you were required to weigh in every other week.

Oh, I hated weigh in day.

First, I began by not eating the day of weigh ins. I think that sowed a seed to my flesh that was fueled by the fire of unrepentant sin and unforgiveness. Within a few short months, I had lost 20 pounds and found myself drowning in an eating disorder.

I remember the girls around me taught me how to perfect my sin: eating 10 wheat thins for lunch, hours at the gym, and one girl even resorted to syrup of epecac.

From there, at times, I swung from not eating for several days to binging for an hour at a time. Then I would just feel awful, be crying and begging for God's forgiveness.

How could this happen to me? If I believe that Jesus paid the penalty for my sins and has given me the Holy Spirit to empower me to live this life, then how could I be drowning in this besetting sin?

For months, the war waged for my soul: my thoughts, affections, and devotion....

(We'll save more for later...)


The Kramer Family said...

love you my friend. thanks for sharing your story. you are a true beauty.

Elizabeth said...

I didn't know you were a Rangerette! I was on drill team all through high school.